Well it makes me laugh.

I'm an avid watcher of programmes that basically make people look like dicks... Jeremy Kyle, Embarrassing Bodies, Bizarre ER, you name it, I'll watch it.


Bit of an odd picture.



So when I saw Diagnosis Live from the Clinic was on, it was a recipe for viewing success! I know a common quote has been 'if you're so embarrassed, what the hell are you doing showing the nation on TV'! Which I agree on to an extent - but obviously with Embarrassing Bodies they get any surgery or procedures paid for. But this Diagnosis Live from the Clinic just features random people exposing themselves on webcam! Slightly odd to see men and women showing us willies and boobs when you turn on the TV, imagine innocent old grandparents casually flicking through the channels before bed and being confronted with genital warts.

Anyway, one of the women involved was casually discussing her fishy discharge to Dr Christian and Dr Dawn, and to the rest of the general public, and when the doctors mentioned going to visit a GP she shyed away! What! How does that make any sense?
Get some logic woman!
Even the doctors reassured her and told her not to be embarrassed about seeing her GP because they will have seen it all before. To be honest after watching the last couple of series of Embarrassing Bodies I've also seen it all before. I think I could be a trainee GP from the knowledge I've acquired.

Although on a serious note, after watching the dangers of skin cancer especially concerning moles, I'm booking a visit to the doctors tomorrow as I am COVERED! I'd also like to see if the weird coloured mole always referred to as 'Cancer Mole' is indeed a cancer mole. Removing them all shouldn't be too big an issue surely?

A round up of what is in my head.

It has probably been a bit too long since I last blogged. Much too long infact, as I did say in my first post this was the sole way I was going to keep my brain alive and well for University. Unfortunately, I currently feel like I didn't achieve any A Levels, and probably not even passes in my Year 9 SATS. However, here we are and let us try and improve my vocab and lexis before I enter University a mute loser who can only grunt and occasionally say Facebook.

A pink cat.



These cute little kittens were found in a concrete making factory. Apparently a red pigment caused their fur to turn pink - I don't know if this is cruel but I WANT A PINK CAT LIKE THIS ONE! Maybe we should breed cats in this way from now on, maybe we could create an Army of multi-coloured cats to scare other countries away.

 'See what we can do, we are medical geniuses.'



Fat tax on fat people



Fatties in Arizona who are claiming welfare benefits will now face paying a £50 fine if they do not follow a diet plan set by their GP. Personally I think it is a great idea - there are too many people taking the easy way out on life by claiming benefits by being overweight and if they aren't doing anything about it - THEN YOU PAY! It isn't fair on people who look after their health and weight and work hard.

Israeli parents name their child 'Like'

It is quite incredible what their parents call their children. I've read stories before about children called 'Walt Disney Christmas', and 'Ikea'. How odd. My mum also just told me when she was listening to the radio earlier, the parents of a newborn child let their other child pick the middle name - the poor baba is now stuck with 'Dinosaur' as a middle name thanks to the parents 'great idea'. I was thinking about names for future children today - it is pretty much a minefield as every bloody word in the English Language now has a sexual/rude/insulting connotation these days. I was even put off of 'Megan' or 'Meg' because I thought people would oh-so-cleverly nickname her 'Smegan' or something similar. Anyway, the father of 'Like' from Israel was really impressed  -

"When I posted her picture and name on Facebook I got 40 'likes'," he told the newspaper.
"Considering that I have only a little more than 100 friends on the network that's a lot."

Just genius.

Fail.

Unsurprisingly, after promising myself I would give up something for Lent this year, I failed. Originally, I thought biscuits would be a good treat to give up; I don't eat them that often, but I thought it would break me in gently for the years ahead - maybe I would build up to giving up bread or cheese when I was 25.

But no. My boyfriend unhelpfully said, "Biscuits! That's rubbish. Why don't we give up sweets and chocolate instead?" Ambitious I thought to myself, but no I decided to give it a go.

Needless to say he came to my house with a sheepish look upon his face and said, "I ate some M&Ms today without thinking! Can we start again?" While explaining to him that Lent didn't work like that, I realised like most boys they have never had to give up goodies - us girls are experienced in depriving ourselves when we start feeling chubbier. However, we decided to just give up chocolate and carry on like nothing had happened.

Until we ventured to an all-you-can-eat buffet complete with a chocolate fountain. Now, anyone who resists that tempting fountain of melted chocolate deserves some kind of recognition from the Queen; an OBE/MBE or something. I've been eating chocolate ever since to make up for that whole week of deprivation. Unfortunately, once again, I've had to switch my Lent to 'giving up' smoking. Pitiful.

Next year while I'm at University I will give up something - and it won't be difficult. I won't have any money to buy any food anyway.

Round-up of the weeks news.

No I'm sorry, not world news, my news - the ultra-cool kind! (cough)

Unfortunately, my dad was the one to do the weekly shop. I don't know if that is the same with any other family - having a favourite parent to buy the food for the week, but certainly in our house that is the case. Many things were missing - cereal bars, decent yoghurts - basically everything he doesn't eat. Dad didn't care about those though, he was more fussed about buying 'ladies things'.
"I have to wander around that area and wait until everyone has left the aisle, and then i can nip in and grab them and run."
Surely it would look less weird if he just casually put them in the trolley as he wheeled along. Instead, he chose to look like a middle-aged pervert by suspiciously hanging around the feminine hygiene aisle. 

He also bought an odd shower gel. I'm not fussy, I can have something gloopy or runny or flowery or fruity. However, I object to what he brought home this week. It makes me smell like a Parma Violet. I hate them, and smelling of one makes me hate them more. Currently using up twice as much as I should in the shower so I can be gone of this vile creation.

I went to MK, had a Burger King. Normal for a person my age - but not for me! My first burger for about 5 years and wow, it was amazing. I kept dropping it down myself, but hey what made it to my mouth was delish! I also got out-bought by a boy (no names just to annoy him) by about £150. What excuse for a girl am I!

Lastly, I had the pleasure of helping out an old couple at work yesterday. The phrase 'old married couple' could not have applied more to them. He had his tape measure, he had forgotton his glasses and overall was a recipe for disaster. She wasn't sure on the cabinet, he was, she wanted to know what 90cm was in inches, he measured the cabinet and said 90cm. Hilarious to watch. Unfortunately I didn't get to see if they bought the item because my shift had ended, but I can't wait for when I'm that old and grumpy and will argue black is white with my lucky partner.

Am I alone in wanting to be old already? I'm not lying, I literally just want to be in the W.I now.

Being a hater!

Facebook, BBC News, Heatworld and Blogger. In that order, those are the tabs I religiously open every time I go onto my laptop.

Scrolling down my Facebook news feed every 5 minutes (as you do when you are bored) I happen to notice some things that really piss me off.

1) 'Mittteee b ova to ma auntiez in da summa so i will cum dwn ta yah'
I know, if anyone goes far enough back to look at my Myspace they will probably see writing similar between me and my friends - looking back though what was the point! I'm not stupid, I did my English Language course which taught me 'THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WRONG ENGLISH' and everyone writes to express themself in a unique style. But instead of encouraging this shit, I am now a huge snob and sneer on these people.

2) .......... is having a duvet day ;)
It's not that I am jealous about them having a duvet day. It isn't that at all! What I have a problem with is the wink smiley at the end. Without that wink, all is clear. They are tired, possibly even ill and fancy laying under their duvet for the day. However, add the wink and everything is thrown into disarray!
What I interpret they could be saying.
......... is having a duvet day ;) - (I'm skiving off work as I am a lazy fart.)
......... is having a duvet day ;) - (Some sort of private joke between friends.)

......... is having a duvet day ;) - (Quite simply, come and join me - leading the random perverts to 'like' the post) 

There are quite a lot of occasions like this now though - sometime i rewrite texts because I feel the recipent will think I'm too harsh or have no time for them - does 'Yep I'm good thanks you?' just seems to me there should be a :) somewhere to show I really am happy, quite often I have had 'Are you sure?' text if I have missed the crucial IM HAPPY smiley face.

3) ............ likes 4 million useless shit pages.

WHY?! They just fill up my news feed with worthless pages. An example from a quick look -  Using highly technical words like 'Stuff' and 'Thingy' when explaining somthing

They even managed to spell something wrong. What retarded person created that group!

Enough ranting. But you all know you agree with me.

Journalism.

So, that's what I want to be, a 'journalist'. Upon devulging (don't know if i've just made that up but it sounds great) my ambitions for the future to a complete stranger (why I do not know), I was asked - 'Are you likely to get a proper job out of that?'. Encouraging, no? I was prepared however, and replied 'Well actually the employment rate for graduates on my course is 93% in the first 6 months, so yes, I believe I will get a proper job, asshole'. I didn't really add the 'asshole' bit but looking back I missed a golden opportunity.

Working at Next and trampolining wasn't preparing me for this tough career path, so in my wisdom I visited my local library to borrow some books to help me for my future. I didn't exactly find what I was looking for - no 'How to be a Journalist' or 'Journalism for dummies' books. I found 'Ebay for dummies' though, it must have been 300 pages long! What could be worth 300 pages? Anyway, I had to settle for a book detailing an ex-politics journalist's dig on the English Language. I also managed to find Alan Carr's autobiography, but that is beside the point and I have told myself I can't read that filth until I finish this 'intellectual' book. Over half way through, I am
1) Seeing instead of reading and pretending to myself I did just read that last paragraph. I know for a fact everyone has done this when given something to read and simply, they can't be bothered.
2) Finding out so much that my English Language course did not teach me. Well, that is my assumption. The author includes quotes from other's writing and basically rips the shit out of them with a single sentence eg 'The howler to end all howlers'. There's me reading it back thinking, 'What howler?' 

A couple of people I know want to be journalists. I don't feel pressured by this at all! I just check out every single thing they do to and compare it to my own work. 
Clearly, I'm playing it cool.
The truth is, we are all as good as each other. Bad. Simply, we all have a long long way to go! All I know is that I'm going to work my ass off so I get somewhere. And be better than them, obviously.

I can't wait to go to Uni so I can put my boring year past me and get my life back on track!! Hell yes.

C'est magnifique!

Having a great week!

And really it is going to carry on for a while (I hope). I went ice skating today with friends from trampolining - if you think we were any good at it because of having a 'great sense of awareness and balance', you would be very mistaken. To be fair, one of my friends was good, and tried and failed to teach me how to stop on the ice. I couldn't quite master it, and kept falling flat on my ass or spinning round and round and losing my balance, then falling over. Also a lovely old man tried to teach me to go backwards to no avail. I think I was pushing the boat out too far seeing as I'm pretty crap at going forwards when I can see where I am going! I watch all of these people on Dancing on Ice who are terrible and tripping up and wobbling all over the place, and laugh at their evident lack of talent. Upsettingly I now realise I fit into that category with the oldies trying for another shot of fame or the uncoordinated Bambi's on ice. Oh well, I had to stop skating prematurely as I thought my hands had been cut off from warmth so long they would be ready for amputation.

The next couple of days I'm spending time with my friends, having a pyjama party and hopefully going into town! Haven't had a pyjama party since I was about 6 - actually I don't think I did even then because of being a bit of a loner in my childhood days. Looking forward to it anyway!

Then, Britains Got Talent on Sunday! I looked at the bottom of my free tickets though and found in the small print (in bold?), 'TICKETS DO NOT GUARANTEE ENTRY, PLEASE BE THERE EARLY TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT'. I hope there aren't 1000 keenos camping outside preventing me from getting in, hopefully an early train will do.

If all goes to plan, I can watch deluded citizens of Britain presenting me with dogs who 'play guitars' or family choirs singing 'A whole new world'.
Or this. (Still my favourite act out of every series)

Cannot wait!