Holiday season.

Ahh. July. A good time of year for most. If you're at school, the glorius 6 week summer holiday seems at the start like endless bliss of nothingness and school seems oh so far away. Also comes the holiday talk between friends. For some, they dread this conversation (however old you are), because they aren't going anywhere. You then got the friends that go somewhere relatively bog standard - such as Spain, France etc (me all over, at least I got to go on a plane most years and take the standard hundred of pictures of the view of the clouds out of the aeroplane window). You then get the friends that everyone secretly hates at this time of year. You know, they are the ones that have been to Disneyland Paris AND Disneyworld Florida, when your family doesn't even have enough money to afford the Disney channel on your TV. These friends depress you with their flashy cars and flashy holidays - and collectively everyone secretly hopes they are going camping in the Peak District this year instead.

Of course not! They are going somewhere exotic like Hawaii or somewhere too cool like America to visit every theme/water park it has to offer. I have to admit, this scenario happened to me a lot as a kid- and I'm pretty sure everyone has had this in their lives. If this happens now I'm genuinely excited for the person, and not wanting to kick them for having a cool holiday.

Even now, a holiday isn't stress free - it is pretty stressful. I'll give you my good and bad points of going abroad-

Packing
A lot of people probably enjoy packing because it makes them think of what they will wear when they are in heir lovely destination and what bikini would just go so well with that sarong! I hate it. It is a boring task and makes me realise what shit clothes I have and how those shorts probably don't fit me anymore but they will be packed just in case of overnight weightloss.

Airports
These places (along with ferries and service stations) I just love. I don't know what it is about them. Why do I get so excited about a WHSmith and a bit of perfume? I've probably flown from Luton aiport about 5 times in the last few years, and although pretty much every shop we have in Northampton, I still insist on visiting every one. Why? I don't know but I'm flying from there tomorrow, and intend to visit every shop as normal, and also not buying anything, as normal.

Beaches
They aren't to everyones taste. They are gorgeous and I love looking at them, but they don't half make things difficult. Firstly, you have the job of finding somewhere not too close to the sea, away from random rubbish, away from annoying people (or just people in general), near the exit. The fact sand gets into everything, and you can't dry yourself from being in the sea with a sandy towel. The chafings! In the sea - am I swimming in someone elses wee...also fish poo in here... run through my mind. And then when you leave, your hair is terrible, youve paid 5 euros for a can of warm coke and you have sand chafings in your flip flops.

Foreign Currency
Unfortunately, it never seems like real money, more like play money! I mean, with the exchange rate and all that would you really pay £15 for a blow up shark inflatable you'll use once then leave behind? You do! We are all guilty of buying something abroad thinking 'what a bargain!', realising how much you would have paid in pounds, and paling slightly at your stupidity.

Sun
Got to love a bit of Vitamin D getting into your skin! However, I religiously check the weather of my future destination every day to make sure they aren't having a blip of shit temperatures. And of course - Northampton will be really sunny for the week as soon as your plane leaves the ground.

You see it is a mixed bag. I love holidays, I look forward to them and tell everyone about them. But they are an experience. And if you wondered, I'm going to Gran Canaria tomorrow for a week. I'm sure it will be great!

Stupid people.

Stupid people never fail to amuse me. Not genuinely stupid people, they tend to piss me off (e.g Most of the guests on Jeremy Kyle). People of average to excellent intelligence being idiots just make me laugh, and I saw a cracking example of this today.

What grass?  I've probably eaten pizzas bigger than that patch of grass! It is pretty normal to see these signs lets say... on the grounds of something boring and historical or on private pieces of land where they want to keep the grass looking fresh and lush. If that was my driveway next to it, I would probably take extra care just to walk on it, I might even curl myself around the sign and have a picnic. Just to be annoying. All I can say is that thank god for Merton Council - saving the world bit by bit.

So this got me thinking of all the other ridiculous mistakes I've seen in the media, and thought I would revisit them mostly because I'm bored.





Think that looks about right...

Children, just go home now. Clearly there are too many intelligent people working around your town and your intelligence will not be needed in the future.





My spelling and grammar
will tempt you to have tatoo.


I mean, call me over-cautious, but I wouldn't get a tattoo with someone who can't make up their mind how you spell the damn thing. I know it is a temporary tattoo, but it could look ridiculous if they spelt your own name wrong. How are they supposed to write 'the chinese for...' if they can't spell bloody English? I hope they had no customers and went out of business. Just researched this, and Rihanna had this exact problem. Bet she feels stupid now.




I don't want to worry anyone, but I seem
 to have broken my leg.

Whoever was asked to work on photo-shopping this image took it a little far. To the extent that she now has a deformed leg with a foot pointing the wrong way. But don't worry, her legs look really skinny, you did a great job.......cough.




Now that is punishment!



Darling I've died, please pay my $200 fine.





Thank god! Everything on my shopping list!

Ha! That showed you, unemployed bastard!



Naughty! Do they think we wanted to
do a bit of kangaroo dogging?! 



Schoolboy error.

Oh how people amuse me. I don't care too much when there is a mis-placed apostrophe, but surfing through the 100 other ridiculously dumb signs and photos made me realise that there isn't enough common sense in the world. And disappointingly, it happens to be one of my critically weak points - so I'm just being a hypocritical knob as always.

An excess of fat.

If you read news stories online or in papers, you will see pretty much every week there will be a story about obesity - probably a warning of 'YOU WILL DIE TOMORROW' or something similiar due to being overweight... (usually this is the Daily Mail - I blame that paper on my Nan's high blood pressure and her over-active imagination). Anyway, I read these stories with the mandatory picture of nameless tubby's tummy/hips, which are bulging with evidence of Big Macs and chocolate Hobnobs.

But really, on a serious note, if you take a look in the street, if your driving a car and you look at the people walking on the paths, I am going to say that pretty much 2/3 people are overweight. I am being relatively harsh with my Fat-ometer, but hey, don't hate me, just don't eat so much.

I get it fat people. I totally get it. When I think about pick and mix, I pretty much salivate like a dog and run to the nearest pick and mix outlet. I also get the big portions thing. I think I was cursed as a child to be able to eat huge plates of dinner, and my 'I'm full' messages get lost somewhere between my stomach and brain (probably swept down in a waterfall style by more incoming food). If I didn't have people around me to give me those dirty looks of "Are you still going?", I would probably eat my plate of food, and everyone elses left overs.

However, I don't let myself get to 50st, post pictures of myself on the internet eating food, and charge people $20 to look at my fatty website. Sorry? What the....

Courtesy of the Daily Mail (don't judge me) -

I chose to keep this picture 'Extra-large' because I'm a joker.

In her quest to become the world's fattest woman, Donna Simpson is already profiting from her challenge - by earning $90,000 (£55,000) a year from fans who pay to watch her eat online.

The American mother-of-two, who already holds the dubious honour of being the world's fattest woman to give birth, makes money from people hungry to watch her eat more than 15,000 calories a day.

Where do we find these people! If this wasn't enough, Donna (Kebab) is trying to reach her target of 72st to become World's Fattest Woman.

I can think of titles I would rather hold. Like running a 100m world record. Or having the longest milk squirt with my eye. Something worthwhile.

Last Christmas, she devoured two 25lb turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 15lbs of potatoes (10lbs roast, 5lbs mashed), five loaves of bread, five pounds of herb stuffing, four pints of gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing and an astonishing 20lbs of vegetables.


Bloody hell. This year, I will consciously have one more Quality Street at Christmas, and comfort myself with 'At least I didn't eat 2 glazed hams.' To be fair, after reading all of that, I just thought to myself 'Why did you even bother with veg?'


To end on a serious note, and to prevent people becoming inspired by ole Donna, I think this woman is very selfish on her poor daughter who caters to her needs. She will probably see her Mum die a premature death due to her ridiculous way of life. I mean, this woman earns £55,000 a year from pictures of her eating! Who are these fat-fetish people encouraging this? You should all be ashamed!

Humans are such odd creatures.



That does not surprise me.

Finally, as much as I disapprove of his weight, I think his parents are comedy geniuses.

90's kids.

It is weird being home in the daytime. I don't mean at a weekend. I mean on a weekday. Does anyone else feel incredibly naughty? I think I've still got the mindset that I'm at school and sneaking a day off. I do remember they used to have better stuff on TV when I was ill and off school. For starters, everyone must remember the programme that I forget the name of - you know! - the one with the magic pencil and traced the alphabet so you could learn how to write letters. 'Cuuuurrvvvveeee, and FLICK!' (i remember the flicks)
And that programme that had the spanish mouse who was a bit of a gangster, and swang everywhere on a rope. What was his name?!

I feel sorry for the children of today who do not have Sky, Virgin etc, and have at these to entertain themselves.

BBC 1 - Britains Bravest Cops    ..not that suitable but I suppose it teaches them early
BBC 2 - Guess With Jess        ..looks like an LSD inspired spin off with Postman Pat's cat
ITV - Lorraine                        ..Target range probably 30 years older than kiddies
Channel 4 - Friends               ..maybe slightly out of the kids range
Channel 5 - Who cares, no one watches this channel anyway.

It just doesn't have quite the same ... educational feel. You would sit in your duvet, wanting more Calpol because it tastes nice, and watch hours of educational kids programmes. You can't blame the tiny rogues of society today - they have The Jeremy Kyle Show to keep them entertained for the morning (totally unsuitable - but has the potential  entertainment if one of their favourite phrases was "Why didn't you put something on the end of it?")

It led me to remember the shows I used to adore when I was a younger, cuter version of myself.

Alvin and the Chipmunks   
The Moomins
Goosebumps - if I made it through the opening sequence without crying at the dog with red eyes
Raggy Dolls - MASSIVE FAN
Power Rangers - I still get teased about running into my mum and dad in the morning and shouting histerically 'The Power Rangers were in my dream last night, and they were CHASING ME'
Zzzap - Oh wow. This was probably my favourite ever.
Kenan and Kel
Rosie and Jim
Postman Pat
Come Outside - Oh wow. Aunty Mable. Pippin. I LOVED THAT SHOW!!!
Fireman Sam
Noddy
Smurfs
Tots TV
Y'von of the Yukon - what a legendary Intro song
Barney
Brum! What a badman sneaking out all of the time.
Top Cat
Art Attack - this guy was incredible!
Chucklevision - oh dear......oh dear oh dear
RugRats - I even have the PS1 games
Wacky Racers

Bodger and Badger - MASHED POTATO

Just watching this makes me feel ultra happy and makes me miss being a child. I've watched about 4 episodes of Zzzap now on Youtube and should definitely make a reappearance.